A Thicket of Threads

Each day brings forth such an amazing amount of topics to think about and write upon. Some horrible and violent, some prurient and pointless, still others timeless and dense in ramifications for one's life, the life of the church or the nation. I never know where to jump in and say something. The temptation for snark is always present. I don't want to be wrong in a dumb way. I don't want to be right in a cautious, lukewarm way. I am uncomfortable with the passion of my own convictions, the stain of my guilt, the assertion of my own will. These things have been drilled into me since before I can remember. Sometimes, I just want to hit Clear History.

Time and time again, I learn the lesson that I cannot change a single mind about the things most important in life. Not by words. Not my words at least.. Nor any borrowed words I can find in my bible or scattered about this world wide web. I am not winsome. I am strident and fanatical. I am tired and overwhelmed by the tedium of factoids that must be strung together to support my case, that must be organized by topic, that must form a convincing narrative, the story of my life, my changed heart.

Why do I want to change anyone? So that I can believe that I am not alone.

My longing for unity and fellowship is very great. After years of maintaining I was too good for that kind of thing - the contrarian independent mind etc. - I realized, slowly (as always) and with a subtle horror, that I need other people. I once wrote a song about being together at church, singing and worshiping:

This is the time
This is the place where we want to be
Brothers and Sisters in harmony
We capture glimpses of heaven

Closing my eyes
I see their faces in silhouette...

Even then, I knew it wouldn't last. Those moments never do; but it's still important to have them. This earth would be awfully dry without them.

Still, it is hard for me to escape the mode of Lamentation in my creative output. I hold onto relationships long past their expiration date hoping that something will change. In the end, that thing is almost always me. At least I think it is.

All that to say, I am a man looking for a conversation that it seems like no one in my circle seems to want to have. The ones that do tend to bring out the barbs if pressed. So the temptation is to lay down in the thicket and go to sleep. But I can't. For whatever reason, this war is a burden on me I cannot yet put down. I know many have counseled that God might be challenging me to examine a more pacifistic outlook; my contention is that He might be challenging me and you to an even more difficult worldview: one where He is Lord of the Sword too, and it may be upon us to wield it with all the moral complexity and seriousness that implies. Response?

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I've got just a few days of work left. Hopefully I can do a mini re-launch and actually start hitting the topics I want in they way I want. Do share your thoughts with me.